Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
