Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
