I accidentally burped into my bong.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
