Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
