i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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