Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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