P.S. I can't hear my feet
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
