when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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