By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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