Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
