Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just high enough for therapy.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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