if you like me you must not know who I am
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
