I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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