I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
