I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I did not marry a roomba.
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