I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
