is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
