He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
