You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
