I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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