I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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