my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
