Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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