grandma shit on top of the toilet
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
