I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
