According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
