those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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