You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
