I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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