She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
