I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
