You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
