im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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