i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We had to coat check the pizza.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
