someone threw a dead crab at me
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
