please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
