alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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