stop calling my apartment porn island.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
