Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
