i need an iv and a liver transplant
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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