all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
