I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
