Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
