i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
