It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
