my phone needs a breathalizer
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm like, not good at living.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
