at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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