I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
