Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
