I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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