i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
