Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
