at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
