I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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