i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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